Spiraling in some direction

Last night I layed in bed and my mind raced in thoughts of frustration, despair, and feelings of uncertainty. But at the same time, there was a feeling of excitement arising up in my body. For the light at the end of the tunnel. Someday. I have tried to make my life and Elle's life a healthy one. Our lives together started out rocky, but I can honestly say that it has come a long way from when it started.

People expect me to know how to be a mother and a father. As a parent, I am expected to be a good example all the time for my child and there is no forgiveness when I am not. The truth is I don't have all the answers. I never have and never will. The only thing I know is that I am Elle's mother. I am doing the best I can, and no matter how many people look with scorn at my parenting, I am parenting the way I know how. In prayer and submission to God.
Praying for wisdom, patience to do it, enough love to equal two parents.. Strength to make it through. Guidance..
That's all I can do, really. I don't know what else to say. I am doing as I see fit in my child's life. She is like no other person. There is only one Elle Anne Hultberg and she needs to be parented a certain way. Every child does. And given the situation, I have to be both mom and dad. I mean, I know she has a heavenly father. And I know that she can rest in the knowledge and faith that He is her support, guide and mentor.

But I can't hold the position of mother and father much longer.
I just need hope..
That someday Elle will have a dad. Someday soon.
That there will be an earthly partner for me.
That someday Elle won't try to fill that void with things that aren't good for her. Because her mom just wasn't enough for her.

I feel like I am a prisoner in my own world right now. With people looking me up and down as I try to battle my way out of this period of my life, passing their own set of ideas on me. I feel too loaded with things. I just need my thoughts and God's. And people I ask for help. I am just trying to remind myself, "This too shall pass."

Even though I know that it will pass deep down, I still feel like the weight of the world is so heavy on my shoulders. And the world is pretty damn heavy sometimes.