Celebrate!

Elle turned three on Wednesday, 10.27.10! My baby is not a baby anymore. Here are a few pictures of the birthday party. It was so good to see so many people surrounding her in love and prayer.. And of course her best friend was there too, right next to her, takin peeks at all the presents they will get to play with!






I wrote her a letter when she was 11 days old. And I found it in one of her books.

11.07.07
Dear Elle,
You are sleeping right now. You are so beautiful. I haven't even had you two weeks and already you have consumed my life.. You just sneezed. I didn't know that it could be that cute! Oh man, God blessed me with such a gem.. You are a precious gem, Elle Anne Hultberg. I hope you grow up and I can teach you all the things you need to know. That's not reality. But wouldn't it be cool? I will try to teach you though. I will try to be consistent. I will try to tell you I love you every single day. I will appreciate you and everything you are going to do! You have such a full life ahead of you, Elle. You have your ENTIRE life. I hope you decide to use it to make Jesus smile. You are so wonderful, Elle.
I just fed you.
I love that feeling- I feel so close to you. When all you want is food, I am a blubbering fool, sobbing all over your perfect soft skin. You were made to be my daughter. And I was made to be your mother. I love you Elle
Love, Mom

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SIDE NOTE**
One thing I have learned at YWAM this year is that GOD IS EVERYWHERE. I mean I knew it in my head all along... But lastnight we were in a worship service with a group that comes to YWAM and speaks every year. It was their last night and they were holding a special meeting. As I sat there with my daughter wrapped up in my arms, I was watching people. They initially seemed to be feeling God's presence very strong. But then after watching for a while I got this check in my spirit. And it felt like everything was a show. A fake. I got really frustrated with myself for thinking that and left. I went upstairs and was putting Elle to bed. And fell beside myself sobbing. I couldn't stop. I couldn't catch my breath. So I called a good friend and was asked "How are you?" As I was trying to put on a brave voice, it was like I was transparent. He immediately knew something was going on. I told him how I was frustrated that I couldn't hear God. I couldn't feel God's presence. I couldn't be like everyone else... "Am I broken or something?" After listening to me go on and on, he stopped me and made me realize... When I go outside and see pretty colors.. That's God's presence. When I look at Elle in awe of her just BEING here... ALIVE... That's God. When I cry, laugh, think.. That's God. When I sleep.. When I wake up from a sound sleep in the middle of the night to Elle coughing and pray her back to sleep.. That is God. When I am miserable and call a friend and talk and end up happy... That's God in my life.
Everything around me is God. God God God God. He is my everything. He is my all in all. I don't have to be in a worship setting with the lights dimmed to feel God. I can do it anytime of the day in any place.
Now THAT is the God I get to have in my life. :)

#3. Read "Children" below. Then you will understand

#2

Children

I was made to be a mother. I love having kids around me. I love goofing around with them. I love hearing them giggle. That sound is DEFINITELY from God. Aside from Elle on this base, there is a young lady named Abby. She is a little bit older than Elle. But only by a month and a half or so. I got the pleasure of playing with both of them yesterday after church, and I enjoyed every second of it! We got to shoot our friend Arlen's guns, (I did.. Not them) we ate dinner together, colored, played outside, made a fort... It was an awesome day. I could handle a few more of those- with a few more children! Thank you, Jesus, for blessing this world with kids.. They are so innocent, so full of life... imagination.. excitement.. love.

Spiraling in some direction

Last night I layed in bed and my mind raced in thoughts of frustration, despair, and feelings of uncertainty. But at the same time, there was a feeling of excitement arising up in my body. For the light at the end of the tunnel. Someday. I have tried to make my life and Elle's life a healthy one. Our lives together started out rocky, but I can honestly say that it has come a long way from when it started.

People expect me to know how to be a mother and a father. As a parent, I am expected to be a good example all the time for my child and there is no forgiveness when I am not. The truth is I don't have all the answers. I never have and never will. The only thing I know is that I am Elle's mother. I am doing the best I can, and no matter how many people look with scorn at my parenting, I am parenting the way I know how. In prayer and submission to God.
Praying for wisdom, patience to do it, enough love to equal two parents.. Strength to make it through. Guidance..
That's all I can do, really. I don't know what else to say. I am doing as I see fit in my child's life. She is like no other person. There is only one Elle Anne Hultberg and she needs to be parented a certain way. Every child does. And given the situation, I have to be both mom and dad. I mean, I know she has a heavenly father. And I know that she can rest in the knowledge and faith that He is her support, guide and mentor.

But I can't hold the position of mother and father much longer.
I just need hope..
That someday Elle will have a dad. Someday soon.
That there will be an earthly partner for me.
That someday Elle won't try to fill that void with things that aren't good for her. Because her mom just wasn't enough for her.

I feel like I am a prisoner in my own world right now. With people looking me up and down as I try to battle my way out of this period of my life, passing their own set of ideas on me. I feel too loaded with things. I just need my thoughts and God's. And people I ask for help. I am just trying to remind myself, "This too shall pass."

Even though I know that it will pass deep down, I still feel like the weight of the world is so heavy on my shoulders. And the world is pretty damn heavy sometimes.

Safety

What does that word even mean? Safety. The term is so different for everyone. I hear all the time "Kelsie. Bringing Elle to Thailand isn't going to be safe." "Kelsie.. Did you think about Elle? Won't she be in danger over there?" "Kelsie.. What about Grant? Won't he miss her?" "Kelsie.. I don't agree with you going, so I am not going to support you." Who can even say those things? Jesus called us and said, "Follow me". When a man told him "Let me first bury my father." Jesus said "Let the dead bury the dead. Follow me." When a man said "I need to first tell my family," Jesus said, "Follow me now." When Peter had his nets out, Jesus told him to leave the nets and "Follow me." Peter did. He was safe. Jesus didn't call us to a life of being comfortable in our seats. He didn't call us to live a "safe" life. We are specifically called to follow Him. Sure, there are undoubtedly going to be dangerous situations that we are put in. But won't God protect us? His will is for me to follow what He wants, no matter how crazy people think I am. And being in the center of God's will is the safest place in the world, to me. It's like I am walking on water. I feel like I am Peter.. God is telling me to get out of the boat and follow Him. So I am stepping out in faith. Both feet are out of the boat. In the water. And it's nuts, but that's the absolute safest place I can think of.

Some of our new friends

These are a few of our new friends at YWAM..

From left to right, Elie, Elizabeth, Al, Sarah


Nicette and myself

Josiah

Michaeal

Arlen and his goofy squirrels


Though I would love to see my family and I miss the familiarities of home, living here for now is great too..

God's Voice

Since I went to Grantsburg and got Elle back on Monday night, she has had a wicked cough. Two nights ago, she woke up in the middle of the night in a coughing fit. I prayer over her and she eventually stopped and fell asleep. Last night was a little different. We both fell asleep just fine. About an hour after I drifted off to sleep, I was in a deep sleep. And I heard a soft voice. "Kelsie, wake up! Kelsie, get up... Wake up, Kelsie!" As I tuned my ears to reality, I heard Elle coughing and choking on the flem in her throat. I jolted awake and grabbed her out of her pack-n-play. I immediately laid my hands on her forehead and prayed Jesus' healing touch over her. Over and over again. I put some vicks vapor rub on her chest and snuggled with her. I gave her half-cough drops, talked to her, and diffused some Thieves essential oil. I didn't have any cough medicine. And by Jesus' healing magnificence, Elle fell asleep. And so did I.

I wholly believe that it was Him who woke me up. If I wouldn't have heard His voice and listened to it, something terrible could have happened.

Call me crazy. I don't care.

I'm glad He woke me up.

Community Living

The past week and a half I have had the joyous experience of community living. A few things I love about it: Elle has FRIENDS now. I can't emphasize that point more. These young girls are inseparable. It is so wonderful to hear their squeals of delight as they chase each other or jump in the leave piles. BEST FRIENDS AT FIRST SIGHT I always have something entertaining to watch.And I ALWAYS have dinner.. ;-) It is such a blessing being here. God definitely had this in His plan. And I am glad I obeyed Him. There is another single parent here and we were talking today and I was expressing frustrations with how Elle was not eating and blah blah blah. He told me a few things that he saw that needed to happen with me. Stick to my guns. Even if I make a mistake in saying something... EXAMPLE: Tonight. We were going to watch a movie with everyone and Elle decided to say "NO" when another girl asked her to move over. three times. So I said "Elle you lost your chance. You aren't going to participate in the movie time." I grabbed her and brought her upstairs. I immediately wanted to take back what I said because I wanted to watch the movie! But since I DID say it, I needed to follow through. So I did. And it feels better. Elle has more respect for me because she knows that when I say something, I mean it. If I wasn't in community living, I probably wouldn't have heard what I needed to hear in the way I needed to hear it. I'm glad we're here.

Period.

This week has been a week of growth. Not only spiritually, but with people too. Our DTS class is an interesting one. We have 10 people in it. There are 6 girls and 4 boys. Dorothy, Anita, big Elie, Sarah, Elizabeth, me, (little elle), Josiah, Michael, Al, and Arlen. Every single one of these new friends has so much to share with each other. Yesterday was a day of growing experiences. Emotional day... We have these things called Quaker Questions... It is where our leader, David, asks us questions. And we all have to answer them. The first day it was "What is your full name and what is your favorite color" I think. They have gotten increasingly personal as the week has progressed. For the past three days, we have been working on "What is one lowpoint in your life and what is one highpoint"? I told mine on the first day. But yesterday, there were 4 people left to speak. One by one, they went. And as they shared their tough times in life, every single one of us listening had tears in our eyes. We all were relating with them. The first girl, Elie (LOVE HER!) went and hers made me cry. Then Josiah. We all cried. Then Anita, we cried some more. Last was Dorothy. And by the end of the day, all you could hear in the room was sobs. And sniffling. It was a two-hour time period I will never forget. Those hours in that room made us closer as a group than I have been to some people I have known my whole life. It feels so good to get the "gunk" out of my life and lay in down on the table for people to hear. And see. And then discard. Because it doesn't matter what we have all done in our pasts. This is the start of the future. And right now- today- can change our lives forever. So whatever is in my past... Everything. The ugly, the things I never realized God forgave me for- all of that- is gone. It's a new day. It's a new chapter of my life. It's over. Period.