Hookay... SO...
This past weekend was such a blast, I went for more! Monday Sharon called me up and invited me there for the remainder of the week (Aitkin) and I packed up mine and Elle's stuff of Tuesday and drove there. I spent the week with her and Anya. I feel like I am really getting to know them on a more personal level. I enjoy every moment with them and I cling to the words Sharon gives me. She is so knowledgable and she is in tune with God (from my opinion)... And she is just a really cool person to be around. And then there's Anya... She is so sweet and caring and she loves spending time with me as well... They just really made this week a lot of fun.. I learned how to bake CHEESECAKE AND BANANA BREAD (!!) and I got to go to Brainard with them and meet the max. capacity of weight with my car. (well it wasnt MAX capacity, but there was sure a lot of stuff crammed in there!!) And then we half cleaned the boys' room... I just really enjoyed my time there. I feel like that might end up being my "home away from home". I just really feel at peace there. There isn't stuff that I can get in to trouble with, and there are people there that just uplift me and are there to talk to and who I can listen to... I am getting very comfortable with Sharon and Anya... Just opening up to them about hurts I have and frustrations... And struggling to forgive myself about the past... But then Sharon showed me Psalm 51 and it was a letter of repentance.. And it just hit me really hard. I realized that no matter what, I cannot change my past. And I know that God has forgiven me for it.. And because HE can, WHO am I to say that I can't forgive myself? When the Creator of the Universe has enough grace for me.... It's kind of like a slap in the face to Him not to forgive myself. I think that's PART of why I am so open with people about my mistakes that I have made. (because I have truly saught to forgive myself and don't want others to have to deal with the same things... So instead of doing what some people like to do, and holding it all in, waiting for others to make mistakes and then judge them and tell them what they should have done, I have decided to be very open about my past and my mistakes and give people the whole truth and what I have learned out of the situation... ) Josiah taught me to be. He has always been pretty open about everything. And that is something I admire in him.
I figure that anyone who judges you for being open and honest about yourself isn't worth really talking to in the first place. If people are going to get frustrated with me and start telling me how I feel and how I should think, I guess the best thing to do is just pray for them.. That their hearts would change and let me be me... It's my turn.. And I want to try to do it without negativity and without judgement every step of the way. I want support in what I do... I am trying to be the best mother and person I can be. And I am trying to follow God. And with everything I do, I go to Him in prayer. And no matter what any human says, it is HIM that I answer to. So they can judge me all they want I guess, but it's not going to change my thoughts or feelings...
Ok, I am a LITTLE bit frustrated. But I needed to get this out. It may not make any sense, but all these things are swarming around in my head and I just needed to get them out.
Tomorrow I will probably regret this post.
Maybe not.
I'm only human.
What did you expect? Perfection?
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