It.

I don't know how to explain it. But I will do my best.

Something comes over me.

Take tonight for example. I have two unused tickets to the St. Paul Saints game. It is happening. Right now. But somehow... Some way.. we didn't go. So now I sit here. Pondering what happened. Pondering the events leading to this moment.

The emptiness I feel inside. Is it me? Why am I so crazy? It starts as a feeling. A feeling of uncertainty. It turns into anger. Sheer madness. It then graduates to hatred. Not only for myself, but for everyone around me. I am uncontrollable. And when I get like this,

stay away.

I don't understand it. It seems like a whirlwind of events and emotions. I feel used, unloved, lied to, uncherished, ugly, stupid, fat, foolish, embarrassed, disgusted, helpless, and wicked. All at once. It takes a tight hold of me. I have no say in my actions, no say in my word choice. I scream, I run, I yell, I silence myself.

It holds me for a passing of time. Sometimes it even hurts me.

I see it. Or do I imagine it?

It has scraggly hair.
It has a long oval-shaped face with bony cheeks.
It has fingernails that are long and chipped. They have dirt under them.
It has a beard.
It is skinny and walks with a slouch.
It has extremely pale (almost transparent) skin.
It can appear out of nowhere with a devilish grin.
It jumps from place to place very quickly.
It has dark saggy eyes.
It can make me scared in an instant.
I can feel its' presence when it is drawing near.
It takes hold of me and doesn't let go for a period of time.

I try to fight it, but it seems to no avail.
I scream in anguish. "LET ME GO, LET ME GO! STOP! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!!"
After it has tried to take the life out of me, it leaves, unsuccessful.

Life goes back to normal.

Then the second whirlwind of emotions happens.
Sadness, the feeling that I am extremely abnormal, embarrassment again. Sometimes there are physical side affects, too. I am exhausted. My body needs to rest after it happens.

I can't remember what happens a lot of the time when it does have a hold of me. All I know is that it is trying to destroy me. It is trying to kill me. It is telling me things and confusing me.

It.. is more than just an "it".

It.. is a living, terrifying being.

Is it trying to take Elle too? Is that the "lion" she talks about? When she is unconrollable, is "it" taking control of her?


Please- if you read this.. Pray for my little girl and me. We need a revelation of God in our lives. We need love. We need support.