It.

I don't know how to explain it. But I will do my best.

Something comes over me.

Take tonight for example. I have two unused tickets to the St. Paul Saints game. It is happening. Right now. But somehow... Some way.. we didn't go. So now I sit here. Pondering what happened. Pondering the events leading to this moment.

The emptiness I feel inside. Is it me? Why am I so crazy? It starts as a feeling. A feeling of uncertainty. It turns into anger. Sheer madness. It then graduates to hatred. Not only for myself, but for everyone around me. I am uncontrollable. And when I get like this,

stay away.

I don't understand it. It seems like a whirlwind of events and emotions. I feel used, unloved, lied to, uncherished, ugly, stupid, fat, foolish, embarrassed, disgusted, helpless, and wicked. All at once. It takes a tight hold of me. I have no say in my actions, no say in my word choice. I scream, I run, I yell, I silence myself.

It holds me for a passing of time. Sometimes it even hurts me.

I see it. Or do I imagine it?

It has scraggly hair.
It has a long oval-shaped face with bony cheeks.
It has fingernails that are long and chipped. They have dirt under them.
It has a beard.
It is skinny and walks with a slouch.
It has extremely pale (almost transparent) skin.
It can appear out of nowhere with a devilish grin.
It jumps from place to place very quickly.
It has dark saggy eyes.
It can make me scared in an instant.
I can feel its' presence when it is drawing near.
It takes hold of me and doesn't let go for a period of time.

I try to fight it, but it seems to no avail.
I scream in anguish. "LET ME GO, LET ME GO! STOP! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!!"
After it has tried to take the life out of me, it leaves, unsuccessful.

Life goes back to normal.

Then the second whirlwind of emotions happens.
Sadness, the feeling that I am extremely abnormal, embarrassment again. Sometimes there are physical side affects, too. I am exhausted. My body needs to rest after it happens.

I can't remember what happens a lot of the time when it does have a hold of me. All I know is that it is trying to destroy me. It is trying to kill me. It is telling me things and confusing me.

It.. is more than just an "it".

It.. is a living, terrifying being.

Is it trying to take Elle too? Is that the "lion" she talks about? When she is unconrollable, is "it" taking control of her?


Please- if you read this.. Pray for my little girl and me. We need a revelation of God in our lives. We need love. We need support.

A one-liner from the funniest kid around

Me: "Elle, that is why, if you flirt with cops, they won't give you a ticket!"
Elle: "Yeah, but mom.. If you PUNCH a cop you will get a ticket."

Operation: Wedding blueprint

"Getting married"..

Isn't that something most girls have thought about since they first picked up a Barbie and Ken doll?

I know I have. I have dreamed of this day for so long... What types of centerpieces, where it would be, how many people, bridesmaid dress color,the type of food and dancing that will be at the reception, how my hair will be done and so much more.

I have married countless Ken and Barbie dolls to each other, each with a slightly different atmosphere, but ultimately a perfect ending.

I have carried a blueprint of what my "perfect ending" wedding would look like for as long as I can remember... There are just two things that I have missed:
1.) The groom... In the FLESH.
2.) The Creator of marriage's involvement in our special day... God.

Have I romanticized myself about this day so much that the groom's face is a blur? Am I in love with the idea of a "wedding" or am I in love with the man I am going to be waking up next to for the next 60 years? The man I am going to have a "marriage" with. How have I invested time into that lately? Have I just let the excitement of "stargazers or daisies" and "white or ivory chair covers" overthrow what this day is actually celebrating? The holy union of man and woman's relationship with each other under God's authority?

I have decided something, on this 8th day of July, 2011.

I, Kelsie Joy Hultberg, DESIRE GOD in my wedding. I want to bring Him in. Involve Him. After all, He is the One who created the idea of marriage. He created man and woman. He created all the beautiful things that go into this lifetime investment. He is the ONLY center glue of what will ultimately hold this relationship together.

So often in the past, I have felt like I am not worthy of God's presence in my life. I am a dirty rotten sinner, so I have hidden my face from His. I have been so ashamed of my life- past regrets and mistakes.. But you know what? Not anymore.
I am asking God to come into this time of preparation for the road ahead.
God, I INVITE you to be a special part of this day. Let it be centered not on us, but on YOU and the grace and mercy you have extended toward us countless times.

I want to walk down that aisle, with a white runner, in a white dress, feeling confident that I deserve it. I desire a clear conscience and a certainty beyond a shadow of a doubt.

God, I wouldn't ever dream of inviting a stranger to my wedding. I don't want you to be a stranger when you are at ours. Please, show me who you are again. Clear my eyes, Clear my conscience, clear my worldly ways. Give us a refreshment that will last a lifetime. Give us everlasting grace and mercy as we join hands together in your house. Be the center of our celebration in a year. Be the center of our household. Be the core of everything we do and say and think.

Pocket full of Sunshine

She brightens my life up. She is a relief at the end of a hard day.

God put me in charge of this little girl for a REASON. And He expects me to be strong for her. I am supposed to be her mother- her protector from all the evils of this world.
So I try. I do my best to be everything I can be for her.

But inevitably, there are days when I am down.. Days when I can't take any more. Moments that I am seconds away from giving up. Times I start crying and just need someone to be there. Periods when I don't know where to go next.
There she comes. Pitter patter down the stairs.. Outside to sit next to me... Into the kitchen with a big smile on her face.

It is that moment when I snap back into reality and remember that I need to be strong.

For her.

I know I am her protector on earth...

But isn't it okay for me to sometimes just let my guard down and let Elle be the one to cheer me up? Isn't it okay for me to enjoy the mini-sunshine God blessed me with? Isn't it okay for me to draw off her up-beat energy to bring me back to my normal self?

Goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get ma-a-aried...

That's right, world of blog readers! This girl is gettin' hitched! Did I honestly think it would happen this fast? Not in a million years. But it did. And I am so excited to be saying that God gave me someone that truly makes me a better woman. We're not sure when yet, but sooner rather than later. Thank you all in advance, for praying for ourmarriage and supporting us in our decision to get married.. pray God's wisdom, grace, faithfulness, and love in our relationship. He is the One who brought us together and we definitely owe all our thanks to Him. Pray for wisdom on what to do as well: whether we should stay here (America) or go into the missions field. Thank you all for supporting us in prayer.

Elle.already.has.a.father.

I have come to a recent discovery... Made, with the help of one of my dear friends. I have said on this blog, more than once, that Elle needs a father. And I have made reference to the fact that even if she doesn't have one on earth, she does in heaven. Well, I just wanted to clear the air about that. What I means was that I am not married to anyone. So when she is with me (5 out of 7 days) she doesn't have that security she needs.. But, indeed, Elle has a father. An earthly one. And he is the best father anyone could ever be to her. That is why God chose him to be Elle's daddy. To Grant Arneson: Thank you so much for everything you have been to Elle and myself. You care so much about her and I know you do. You show it daily. You had to grow up quickly when we had our precious little girl, but you have become a better man because of it. You are such a light in her life. Please keep loving her and giving her the security she needs in a father. you have become a best friend to myself, and a better person since having Elle. I look around, and I see so many children whose fathers aren't even in their lives. You, Grant Arneson, are such a wonderful father. You not only spend time with her as much as you can, but you fill her with joy and laughter, hugs and kisses! The kinds of things a child should have from her dad. Thank you for loving Elle as much and thoroughly as you do.
Love,
Kelsie Hultberg

Let's get this train -a- movin'!

Today as I was sitting in my car with a dear friend, I was thinking about life; how short 80 years actually is. I mean, I have already lived 21 of them and am currently living my 22nd year. And based on the average lifespan, I am already over 1/4 of the way out of this world.

What have I done for this world? For Jesus?
Who have I affected?
Has it been in positive or negative ways?
What am I currently living for? This world, or the world after death?
Who am I teaching Elle to live like/for?
Who am I showing love toward?
Am I maintaining relationships with my family?

As I am sitting here on my bed writing this, I am still pondering these questions.
It is hitting me: I am ready to move on to the next phase of my life.

I want to get married. Have my own little family unit. And then make that family unit bigger. I also want to finish my degree. But mostly, I want to teach my children to love Jesus and others. I want to be an awesome example as a mother. This is the next phase, as far as I am concerned. Settling DOWN. Unless God calls me to something totally different, this is the general direction I am headed now. I mean, as a single mother, my desire is becoming more and more to have a hubby there every night to spend time with and for Elle to be with. So? What am I waiting for?

I only have about 60 years left.. Let's get rollin'!

TOOT TOOT!