Everyone has a list.. A list of either new year's resolutions, or a list of things they wish to improve.. Or a list of groceries.. This world has a never-ending LIST of things to be done, things to obtain, and so much more.
Well here's my contribution to the list-madness.
THINGS I WANT FOR LIVING MY 23RD YEAR
-Health for Elle and myself
-God to work in my heart in these areas:
a. patience
b. understanding
c. wisdom
d. peace
e. trustworthiness
f. oneness with HIM
g. better understanding of christian parenting
h. Holy Spirit living strong in my life
-Good decisions on where to go next in life
-To grow a closer and more fulfilling relationship with God
-To understand the Bible on a deeper level
-To put forth more "down-time" into educational lessons with Elle
Those are my desires for my 23rd year of life.
16 November, 2011
23 August, 2011
Blah-g
I have prided myself on being honest and open with my blogging. I have tried to let anyone who reads this to be able to jump into mine and Elle's lives for a few minutes at a time. But I must say, I really have been having trouble writing lately. It feels like everything in life has gone from vibrant color to gray. Even though there are so many things to attend to in life, I seem to have nothing to say. Everyday life just consumes me. Schedules are packed and I drag my feet from one place to another. Maybe I am drained. Maybe I am too tired at the end of the day to write anything. Maybe this blog era has ended.
But then again, maybe gray can be a good color too.. Maybe gray is the color just before the vibrant orange, or electric green. Or bright purple. Maybe things will turn around. Maybe things will fall into place.
Everything just seems so scattered and out of place.
Lord-willing, the bright will come back. The sunshine will show itself.
But then again, maybe gray can be a good color too.. Maybe gray is the color just before the vibrant orange, or electric green. Or bright purple. Maybe things will turn around. Maybe things will fall into place.
Everything just seems so scattered and out of place.
Lord-willing, the bright will come back. The sunshine will show itself.
07 August, 2011
A Fix-it man?
I am sitting on my bed with the covers strewn about, down in my 8x8 bedroom at my parents' house. It isn't actually a room. It was made to be an office. But when my sister and I were old enough, (I was 9 she was 12) we decided we didn't want to share rooms anymore. So, while my parents were at work, we made the "office" into a "bedroom". And for some reason, they never made us change it back.
But that's not why I am writing tonight.
I am writing because GOD HAS CONTROL IN EVERYTHING. We just need to let Him take the reigns.
Tonight, Josiah and I broke down with each other. There are so many things that we have been letting build up and stress us out in our life. So many finance frustrations, house-searching, wedding saving, etc... things that we are trying to juggle all while trying to hold steady jobs, raise a little girl 10 out of every 14 days, and soon to come, I will be going to school again.
So needless to say from the previous run-on sentences, we were extremely troubled.
"God, we come to you tonight..."
We prayed together as a couple for the first time in months. And not just "a prayer". It was so powerful. God's presence was there tonight. We gave Him all our worries, doubts, fears, frustrations, and everything else we were tightly holding on to.We prayed that He would fix our relationship. That He would come back full force into it. We prayed that He would mend what needs to be mended, and that He would be involved in all our upcoming decisions. Full control to the one pilot that will actually take over and be flawless at His job. We prayed for peace and wisdom, we prayed for priorities to line up with what He wants... And after that prayer, something weird happened.
We tried to turn the car on. The battery was dead.
We waited..
... .
.
...
.......
....
...
.
..
And you know what? When we turned the car over again, it fired right off! Only this time, the check engine light that has been on since we got the car was OFF. And it stayed off the whole way home for Josiah.
And you know what?
We believe with all our hearts that it was God's confirmation that NOTHING is out of His hands. NOTHING in this world is something He can't do. It is going to be a reminder that HE is in control over our worlds. Because, you know what? He can fix ANYTHING. Even if it has been broken for a really long time...
But that's not why I am writing tonight.
I am writing because GOD HAS CONTROL IN EVERYTHING. We just need to let Him take the reigns.
Tonight, Josiah and I broke down with each other. There are so many things that we have been letting build up and stress us out in our life. So many finance frustrations, house-searching, wedding saving, etc... things that we are trying to juggle all while trying to hold steady jobs, raise a little girl 10 out of every 14 days, and soon to come, I will be going to school again.
So needless to say from the previous run-on sentences, we were extremely troubled.
"God, we come to you tonight..."
We prayed together as a couple for the first time in months. And not just "a prayer". It was so powerful. God's presence was there tonight. We gave Him all our worries, doubts, fears, frustrations, and everything else we were tightly holding on to.We prayed that He would fix our relationship. That He would come back full force into it. We prayed that He would mend what needs to be mended, and that He would be involved in all our upcoming decisions. Full control to the one pilot that will actually take over and be flawless at His job. We prayed for peace and wisdom, we prayed for priorities to line up with what He wants... And after that prayer, something weird happened.
We tried to turn the car on. The battery was dead.
We waited..
... .
.
...
.......
....
...
.
..
And you know what? When we turned the car over again, it fired right off! Only this time, the check engine light that has been on since we got the car was OFF. And it stayed off the whole way home for Josiah.
And you know what?
We believe with all our hearts that it was God's confirmation that NOTHING is out of His hands. NOTHING in this world is something He can't do. It is going to be a reminder that HE is in control over our worlds. Because, you know what? He can fix ANYTHING. Even if it has been broken for a really long time...
22 July, 2011
It.
I don't know how to explain it. But I will do my best.
Something comes over me.
Take tonight for example. I have two unused tickets to the St. Paul Saints game. It is happening. Right now. But somehow... Some way.. we didn't go. So now I sit here. Pondering what happened. Pondering the events leading to this moment.
The emptiness I feel inside. Is it me? Why am I so crazy? It starts as a feeling. A feeling of uncertainty. It turns into anger. Sheer madness. It then graduates to hatred. Not only for myself, but for everyone around me. I am uncontrollable. And when I get like this,
stay away.
I don't understand it. It seems like a whirlwind of events and emotions. I feel used, unloved, lied to, uncherished, ugly, stupid, fat, foolish, embarrassed, disgusted, helpless, and wicked. All at once. It takes a tight hold of me. I have no say in my actions, no say in my word choice. I scream, I run, I yell, I silence myself.
It holds me for a passing of time. Sometimes it even hurts me.
I see it. Or do I imagine it?
It has scraggly hair.
It has a long oval-shaped face with bony cheeks.
It has fingernails that are long and chipped. They have dirt under them.
It has a beard.
It is skinny and walks with a slouch.
It has extremely pale (almost transparent) skin.
It can appear out of nowhere with a devilish grin.
It jumps from place to place very quickly.
It has dark saggy eyes.
It can make me scared in an instant.
I can feel its' presence when it is drawing near.
It takes hold of me and doesn't let go for a period of time.
I try to fight it, but it seems to no avail.
I scream in anguish. "LET ME GO, LET ME GO! STOP! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!!"
After it has tried to take the life out of me, it leaves, unsuccessful.
Life goes back to normal.
Then the second whirlwind of emotions happens.
Sadness, the feeling that I am extremely abnormal, embarrassment again. Sometimes there are physical side affects, too. I am exhausted. My body needs to rest after it happens.
I can't remember what happens a lot of the time when it does have a hold of me. All I know is that it is trying to destroy me. It is trying to kill me. It is telling me things and confusing me.
It.. is more than just an "it".
It.. is a living, terrifying being.
Is it trying to take Elle too? Is that the "lion" she talks about? When she is unconrollable, is "it" taking control of her?
Please- if you read this.. Pray for my little girl and me. We need a revelation of God in our lives. We need love. We need support.
Something comes over me.
Take tonight for example. I have two unused tickets to the St. Paul Saints game. It is happening. Right now. But somehow... Some way.. we didn't go. So now I sit here. Pondering what happened. Pondering the events leading to this moment.
The emptiness I feel inside. Is it me? Why am I so crazy? It starts as a feeling. A feeling of uncertainty. It turns into anger. Sheer madness. It then graduates to hatred. Not only for myself, but for everyone around me. I am uncontrollable. And when I get like this,
stay away.
I don't understand it. It seems like a whirlwind of events and emotions. I feel used, unloved, lied to, uncherished, ugly, stupid, fat, foolish, embarrassed, disgusted, helpless, and wicked. All at once. It takes a tight hold of me. I have no say in my actions, no say in my word choice. I scream, I run, I yell, I silence myself.
It holds me for a passing of time. Sometimes it even hurts me.
I see it. Or do I imagine it?
It has scraggly hair.
It has a long oval-shaped face with bony cheeks.
It has fingernails that are long and chipped. They have dirt under them.
It has a beard.
It is skinny and walks with a slouch.
It has extremely pale (almost transparent) skin.
It can appear out of nowhere with a devilish grin.
It jumps from place to place very quickly.
It has dark saggy eyes.
It can make me scared in an instant.
I can feel its' presence when it is drawing near.
It takes hold of me and doesn't let go for a period of time.
I try to fight it, but it seems to no avail.
I scream in anguish. "LET ME GO, LET ME GO! STOP! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!!"
After it has tried to take the life out of me, it leaves, unsuccessful.
Life goes back to normal.
Then the second whirlwind of emotions happens.
Sadness, the feeling that I am extremely abnormal, embarrassment again. Sometimes there are physical side affects, too. I am exhausted. My body needs to rest after it happens.
I can't remember what happens a lot of the time when it does have a hold of me. All I know is that it is trying to destroy me. It is trying to kill me. It is telling me things and confusing me.
It.. is more than just an "it".
It.. is a living, terrifying being.
Is it trying to take Elle too? Is that the "lion" she talks about? When she is unconrollable, is "it" taking control of her?
Please- if you read this.. Pray for my little girl and me. We need a revelation of God in our lives. We need love. We need support.
15 July, 2011
A one-liner from the funniest kid around
Me: "Elle, that is why, if you flirt with cops, they won't give you a ticket!"
Elle: "Yeah, but mom.. If you PUNCH a cop you will get a ticket."
Elle: "Yeah, but mom.. If you PUNCH a cop you will get a ticket."
08 July, 2011
Operation: Wedding blueprint
"Getting married"..
Isn't that something most girls have thought about since they first picked up a Barbie and Ken doll?
I know I have. I have dreamed of this day for so long... What types of centerpieces, where it would be, how many people, bridesmaid dress color,the type of food and dancing that will be at the reception, how my hair will be done and so much more.
I have married countless Ken and Barbie dolls to each other, each with a slightly different atmosphere, but ultimately a perfect ending.
I have carried a blueprint of what my "perfect ending" wedding would look like for as long as I can remember... There are just two things that I have missed:
1.) The groom... In the FLESH.
2.) The Creator of marriage's involvement in our special day... God.
Have I romanticized myself about this day so much that the groom's face is a blur? Am I in love with the idea of a "wedding" or am I in love with the man I am going to be waking up next to for the next 60 years? The man I am going to have a "marriage" with. How have I invested time into that lately? Have I just let the excitement of "stargazers or daisies" and "white or ivory chair covers" overthrow what this day is actually celebrating? The holy union of man and woman's relationship with each other under God's authority?
I have decided something, on this 8th day of July, 2011.
I, Kelsie Joy Hultberg, DESIRE GOD in my wedding. I want to bring Him in. Involve Him. After all, He is the One who created the idea of marriage. He created man and woman. He created all the beautiful things that go into this lifetime investment. He is the ONLY center glue of what will ultimately hold this relationship together.
So often in the past, I have felt like I am not worthy of God's presence in my life. I am a dirty rotten sinner, so I have hidden my face from His. I have been so ashamed of my life- past regrets and mistakes.. But you know what? Not anymore.
I am asking God to come into this time of preparation for the road ahead.
God, I INVITE you to be a special part of this day. Let it be centered not on us, but on YOU and the grace and mercy you have extended toward us countless times.
I want to walk down that aisle, with a white runner, in a white dress, feeling confident that I deserve it. I desire a clear conscience and a certainty beyond a shadow of a doubt.
God, I wouldn't ever dream of inviting a stranger to my wedding. I don't want you to be a stranger when you are at ours. Please, show me who you are again. Clear my eyes, Clear my conscience, clear my worldly ways. Give us a refreshment that will last a lifetime. Give us everlasting grace and mercy as we join hands together in your house. Be the center of our celebration in a year. Be the center of our household. Be the core of everything we do and say and think.
Isn't that something most girls have thought about since they first picked up a Barbie and Ken doll?
I know I have. I have dreamed of this day for so long... What types of centerpieces, where it would be, how many people, bridesmaid dress color,the type of food and dancing that will be at the reception, how my hair will be done and so much more.
I have married countless Ken and Barbie dolls to each other, each with a slightly different atmosphere, but ultimately a perfect ending.
I have carried a blueprint of what my "perfect ending" wedding would look like for as long as I can remember... There are just two things that I have missed:
1.) The groom... In the FLESH.
2.) The Creator of marriage's involvement in our special day... God.
Have I romanticized myself about this day so much that the groom's face is a blur? Am I in love with the idea of a "wedding" or am I in love with the man I am going to be waking up next to for the next 60 years? The man I am going to have a "marriage" with. How have I invested time into that lately? Have I just let the excitement of "stargazers or daisies" and "white or ivory chair covers" overthrow what this day is actually celebrating? The holy union of man and woman's relationship with each other under God's authority?
I have decided something, on this 8th day of July, 2011.
I, Kelsie Joy Hultberg, DESIRE GOD in my wedding. I want to bring Him in. Involve Him. After all, He is the One who created the idea of marriage. He created man and woman. He created all the beautiful things that go into this lifetime investment. He is the ONLY center glue of what will ultimately hold this relationship together.
So often in the past, I have felt like I am not worthy of God's presence in my life. I am a dirty rotten sinner, so I have hidden my face from His. I have been so ashamed of my life- past regrets and mistakes.. But you know what? Not anymore.
I am asking God to come into this time of preparation for the road ahead.
God, I INVITE you to be a special part of this day. Let it be centered not on us, but on YOU and the grace and mercy you have extended toward us countless times.
I want to walk down that aisle, with a white runner, in a white dress, feeling confident that I deserve it. I desire a clear conscience and a certainty beyond a shadow of a doubt.
God, I wouldn't ever dream of inviting a stranger to my wedding. I don't want you to be a stranger when you are at ours. Please, show me who you are again. Clear my eyes, Clear my conscience, clear my worldly ways. Give us a refreshment that will last a lifetime. Give us everlasting grace and mercy as we join hands together in your house. Be the center of our celebration in a year. Be the center of our household. Be the core of everything we do and say and think.
01 July, 2011
Pocket full of Sunshine
She brightens my life up. She is a relief at the end of a hard day.
God put me in charge of this little girl for a REASON. And He expects me to be strong for her. I am supposed to be her mother- her protector from all the evils of this world.
So I try. I do my best to be everything I can be for her.
But inevitably, there are days when I am down.. Days when I can't take any more. Moments that I am seconds away from giving up. Times I start crying and just need someone to be there. Periods when I don't know where to go next.
There she comes. Pitter patter down the stairs.. Outside to sit next to me... Into the kitchen with a big smile on her face.
It is that moment when I snap back into reality and remember that I need to be strong.
For her.
I know I am her protector on earth...
But isn't it okay for me to sometimes just let my guard down and let Elle be the one to cheer me up? Isn't it okay for me to enjoy the mini-sunshine God blessed me with? Isn't it okay for me to draw off her up-beat energy to bring me back to my normal self?
God put me in charge of this little girl for a REASON. And He expects me to be strong for her. I am supposed to be her mother- her protector from all the evils of this world.
So I try. I do my best to be everything I can be for her.
But inevitably, there are days when I am down.. Days when I can't take any more. Moments that I am seconds away from giving up. Times I start crying and just need someone to be there. Periods when I don't know where to go next.
There she comes. Pitter patter down the stairs.. Outside to sit next to me... Into the kitchen with a big smile on her face.
It is that moment when I snap back into reality and remember that I need to be strong.
For her.
I know I am her protector on earth...
But isn't it okay for me to sometimes just let my guard down and let Elle be the one to cheer me up? Isn't it okay for me to enjoy the mini-sunshine God blessed me with? Isn't it okay for me to draw off her up-beat energy to bring me back to my normal self?
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